I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
