I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
