Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
