I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
