I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
