If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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