Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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