Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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