I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I could fuck to npr.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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