I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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