I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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