I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
