she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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