Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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