I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
