I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
