Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
