I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
