My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
