It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
