He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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