haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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