remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
