K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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