Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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