What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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