My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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