he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
