I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
