Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
