i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
