The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
