did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
