Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
