i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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