Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
