Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
