We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
