I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
