I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
