Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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