Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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