we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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