Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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