I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
