Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you never un-have a 4some
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
