my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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