I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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