I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
