My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
