Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
