so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
